Studies have shown that when we experience romantic love, the part of the brain that gets activated is the same as when one takes cocaine. We can’t help but feel good from the surge of dopamine.
What’s crucial is how we make sure we fall in love with the right person so that when we get the love high, there is a positive impact on our lives, rather than a toxic one.
In our last episode, we learn how to manage our search for love through the perspective of AFAM hunter, also known as Kimmy. She is a trans woman who has been living and teaching in Spain. She runs the famous Facebook page AFAM hunter.
On her page, she details life dating AFAMs. AFAM means ex-pat or foreigner. And she is a believer in being a mindful flirt.
What does mindful mean in love? It’s choosing who you get to know, who you date, and who you enter a relationship with.
Kimmy even tells us that arrogance is a no-no as she never allowed a man to boss her around, no matter how cute he was.
Taking a page from her independent and fierce approach to love and dating, I started to research how to make sure we pick the right person to be with. I came across these four questions by Matthew and Stephen Hussey, brother duo who give relationship advice on their YouTube channels. These are questions that we often neglect in the name of “just having fun.”
Take a pen and a piece of paper. Sit down and take your time with these questions. You can think about a current person. Or, you can also write your ideal person based on your answers.
1. Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to this person? Of course, there should be animalistic energy between two people. However, first dates are not always good at determining that attraction because nerves can get in the way.
Be playful or tease someone. Give the person a long gaze. Be brave at flirting to see if the attraction is there. And don’t forget, friendship can come first. It doesn’t have to be an attraction at the start.
2. Do you find getting your needs in your relationship easy or difficult? First, decide your core needs from what you value to your love languages. It can be intellectual, physical, communication, among others. If your needs are met frequently and consistently, then it’s a match.
3. Is their lifestyle compatible with yours? Do you feel ok with how they spend their free time? This question doesn’t refer to just hobbies. It’s how a person works, travels, parties, or socializes. Are you happy with how they spend their time? And can you be malleable?
4. Do you want the same things or do you have a shared vision in the next 5, 10, and 15 years? Not everyone has a 5, 10, or 15-year plan. Yet, a simple question is whether you see the future in the same way or opposites? Don’t ignore those differences as they will turn into conflict in the future.
These questions boil down to the ability of two people to be malleable to each other’s answers. If there is friction, having fun may not be worth it.
Love is addicting. It can have a positive or negative impact, and it all depends on the person we choose to crush on and eventually fall in love with. It’s always your choice.
Let me leave you with this quote from Brian Weiss, an American psychiatrist:
“Love and intimacy are at the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well, what causes sadness and what brings happiness, what makes us suffer and what leads to healing. … I am not aware of any other factor in medicine—not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery—that has a greater impact on our quality of life, the incidence of illness, and premature death from all causes.” Messages from the Masters: Tapping into the Power of Love
- Am I unclear with any of these questions above? If I am, how can I try to communicate this better?
- In the past, which questions were issues in my past relationships? How can I make sure I don’t bring this baggage into new relationships.
Every week, Ciari and I set a goal to improve our relationships. This newsletter is for anyone who wants to fall in love again.